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The FB Post

The FB Post

A few days ago I put up a post and took it off again. It wasn’t because I’m afraid, although I will admit many fears did come to mind. It was because I’m not sure if I was able to express myself properly. I can’t control what others say about me, and why would I? I wouldn’t others to do the same to me, we are all free to have our own thoughts, I wanted to just put it out there so people can know that when they say hurtful things it’s not out of ignorance, but rather arrogance. It’s not complaining, it’s educating as a loved one told me. A few people have told me I should still have this out there, here it is:

Ok, so it’s been a long time. I’ve debated for a while and I just feel like it needs to be said. It doesn’t matter in the grand scheme of things but I’m just getting tired and it is hurtful every time having to explain it.

I’ve never been 100% forthcoming and I don’t plan to either but I will set the record a bit more straight and be honest because I know some people care and that is enough for me. Please don’t comment here, if you have any questions just PM me or talk to me if you want to. This is difficult for me and I am sorry I can not articulate better.

The topic is my health and more outwardly, my weight. I’m not that kind of person where physicality is the by all and be all, it’s great to feel good and feel beautiful, but I don’t like the fact that some people think that because of my fluctuating weight that it is also a reflection of who I am exactly inside.

My weight has fluctuated over the past few years like a yoyo and for those who don’t see me for a while, are always shocked to see me when I’m at my biggest. What happened? Am I depressed that I eat so much? Am I pregnant? Obviously the answer is no to all. For those who are closest to me, family and my best friends can attest, my weight jumps up and down. I have been 52 kilos, 70 kilos and 74 kilos all within the space of 2 months before. I have stayed at 60 for months at a time. And then lost it within a week, several times. Sounds amazing i know. But it’s exhausting.

When I was 12 I was diagnosed with rheumatic fever, and at 16 I was diagnosed with polyarteritis nodosa. Regardless of the diagnosis I have an autoimmune condition. Long story short – it equals pain and a whole lot of medication and its side effects. I don’t like to discuss it much, I don’t talk about it, it’s part of who I am and I have learned to accept it.

What I can’t accept is how people who don’t know what I have or even understand it (well don’t try to since no one can unless they have it) ask personal questions, seemingly harmless but make comments like I must be getting lazy. My food patterns haven’t changed. I eat healthy, I actually don’t have as much appetite because of the medicine. I have been taking about 16 tablets everyday for the past 8 years. It’s not by choice. Yes I have seen doctors. A multitude of them. Yes I also take vitamins. I do my best to exercise. No matter what I do as long as medicine is on high dosages I gain weight. I lose it just as quick when I am on low dosages.

3 years ago I had my first seizure. It came out of nowhere. I had finally come to grips with arthritis at a young age, but having neurological symptoms is a whole other ball game.

Until I can overcome this, I am trying my best, I will do my best to be open with those close to me. But remember it is a long time habit in my personality. I don’t like to share something I know is hard to understand. I like to fight my own battles and keep a smile because I know there can be much worse. My only release with dealing with things is my piano and my blog. If you need to know how I am, look there. I really don’t feel like explaining, I know there shouldn’t be a need to. As my sister says, it’s health, it’s medicine you shouldn’t feel the need. But sometimes after holding it in for so long I feel I should  say something at least to those who care.

Thanks dear friends and family for trying to understand just a little and being a little more sensitive to others as well, because many times diseases are invisible and it’s not fair to judge something you don’t know about.

#Confessions #OnlyUpForAWhile #SettingItStraight #DMAnotherTime #ReadThoroughly


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